I spent a better part of yesterday watching the women’s CPU Nationals. At first, I felt all motivated to kill my lifts and I went to the gym and pull 345×2 which was a rep PR.
Then I came home and just felt melancholy.
I thought I was okay with skipping Nationals. I think I still am. But my lifts have been progressing well and it would have been a good experience. I’ll go next year. But what if I’m still broke? What if I get injured before then? What if I go and bomb out or fail to make weight?
If worrying about myself wasn’t enough, the women’s qualifying standards were raised and that’s bumming me out. I’m still qualified and I understand on some level why the change was made. More women are getting interested in lifting and competing and as that continues, the standards will continue to rise. Good. I don’t want to ever feel comfortable with my lifts. But… on a more personal note, I was really hoping that some of my friends would qualify to go with me, and that seems a lot less obtainable for some of them now.
Lifting is very much a social activity for me, and I want the people in my life to succeed. That’s especially true when I know how much hard work goes into improving the Big Three. And while more women are qualifying for CPU Nationals, there were still only 2.5 flights of women, compared with 5.5 flights of men. So we aren’t quite equal, yet. And with those numbers, I should probably go back to focusing on my plan to snag myself a powerlifting boyfriend.
I do think it says something that most of my friends who were looking at qualifying seem to have taken the news better than I did. I’m still bummed out. And I’m a little bit jealous because I know I’m going to stress right the fuck out trying to make weight and wanting to put up superhuman lifts. Why do I put myself through that? How do I give myself permission to take the pressure off? I mean, I had an anxiety attack on the city bus this afternoon just thinking about my rent, my job, and my bank account. I’m a mess. A sensible person would cancel their gym membership and forget about lifting until they get their life sorted out.
Well, let’s just say that 24 year olds are not known for their good sense. And this is supposed to be my training log, so I should maybe talk about lifting instead of how I’m so depressed that I want to crawl under the covers and cry and maybe never re-emerge. Good thing I decided the best way to turn off my brain is to do some heavy front squats, focusing on trying to get my elbows up this week:
I continued my 10lb progression on these and got 165x5x3 easily. Front squats have been a good addition to my programming: they’re heavy enough to be a challenge but still light enough that I can get a quick workout that doesn’t totally mess up my recovery.
But let’s talk about accessory work because on the one hand: I had a giant bro workout by doing light bench, dips, curls and flyes. On the other hand, I’m pretty satisfied. First of all, if you haven’t noticed, I wasn’t really in the mood to workout. But I clocked in, anyway. I believe pretty seriously that showing up and working out when I’d rather be elsewhere is one of the biggest factors in long term success. Arguably these days, and the consistency they bring to my training, are a lot more important than the ones where I show up in a great mood, ready to crush it.
Secondly, my attitude towards accessory work has changed in the past few months, partially as a result of my success on Coan/Phillipi and partially as a result of training with the Hostyle crew. The old me, who benched 100lbs in competition, liked to skive off on accessory work. But lately I’ve noticed that doing accessory work has increased my work capacity in general and of course my lifts are progressing. There’s also a sense of accomplishment on days like today, when I show up and do dips and manage to see tangible signs of progress.
That’s right: I got 2 sets of 5 of body weight dips today and it’s a big freakin’ deal. The first time my coach made me do dips, I had about 80lbs of resistance in bands. I flopped around like a fish. I struggled to get 5. I wanted to kick and scream and cry and give up on lifting. But I’m progressing and hopefully that translates into a bigger bench down the line. Life’s not all bad.
At least I knew I was going to be scraping by this month and I had the foresight to order a Good Food Box, which I picked up today. I know my life has hit rock bottom wen I’m excited to pick up $10 worth of produce so that I have something to eat until pay day. Actually, the artichoke & lemon chicken from Practical Paleo that I made this weekend was pretty good and I’ve been eating the leftovers slowly, so I just needed a side dish. The broccoli is already gone.
I’m glad I’ve figured out how to fuel myself properly even when I’m feeling down. That’s in stark contrast to whatever I was doing the last time I felt this depressed and weighed +230lbs. And it’s just nice to know that at least I can come home to a decent meal at the end of the day.