Today was one of those days where getting to the gym was as much an act of mental strength as physical strength. On top of my everyday stress levels, the final list of lifters for my meet in July was posted earlier this week and I had a bit of a downward spiral into lifting despair. There are some freakishly strong girls on the list, and I feel like I’m not on track to meet any of the goals I set for myself. I shouldn’t have looked these girls up on facebook like a total creep because it just made me feel inadequate and I don’t want to feel that way on the platform. I just want to be so strong it leaves everyone speechless!! And I want to impress everyone! And I was so successful at my first couple of meets because no one else showed up and I was making insane n00b gains and it was impressive and I just want to continue.
At the same time, I kind of feel really, really guilty for wanting to win. I keep having to remind myself that entering a contest just to win is the sign of a poor sport. I sound like my mother, but that’s exactly what I told my friends who were uncertain about signing up themselves. Those same friends are the reason I should be excited to lift because I hate being the only unaffiliated woman in the warm-up room of a meet. And I’m excited to see the person who introduced me to lifting in her first meet. So if I start stressing out like I’m some sort of elite-level lifter when really I’m just a chick who squats at the YMCA a few times a week, then I’m losing some of the fun of lifting. And I recognize that would be a huge waste of time and effort and I should just stop worrying.
Therefore, instead of being delusional, my new plan is to focus on convincing my friends that the best way to celebrate after the meet is with pizza and Fro Yo. That way I have something to really look forward to when the meet is over. And I have to get my butt into the gym so I don’t feel unprepared.
So into the squat rack I go… despite the fact that I’ve pulled all nighters studying for exams the past two days and I have no inclination to eat because my stomach is so upset from stress. I think I’ve consumed 1800 cals and 51g of protein in the past few days and dropped 6 or 7lbs. That puts me a heck of a lot closer to 63kg, but unfortunately it also means that I’m quite literally wasting away. Good thing there’s nothing a few thousand mg of caffeine can’t fix.
On paper this workout didn’t look so bad, but then I started squatting:
These are ugly for three reasons: 1) I am sweating like a pig because my gym was hotter than a sauna this evening. Yuppie Scum even made a point of telling me to drink water because he was drenched in sweat and obviously dying. So was I. 2) I think it’s time to accept that these pants are too big and throw them out because they made my crotch look absolutely awful. 3) My right side is about as useless as the rest of me feels. My hip and glute are so tight this week that I just couldn’t get them engaged, which was about on par with what I expected. I really struggled to get out of the whole evenly this evening.
So imagine my surprise when I decided to do a rep-out on bench and I got 115×9. TIMES NINE! N-I-N-E!!!!I’m pissed I didn’t get this on video because I can’t believe it. I was aiming for 6. They were all touch ‘n go but my ass was down. I tried to grind out a tenth rep with my ass up but I just couldn’t get it locked out. Whatever. I ain’t even mad. That is some solid progress on my bench and it was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.
I think I might go lift with my benching crew tomorrow to cheer myself up and try to focus on the fun parts of lifting. I sent a text to Stocker this morning and he told me that the boss wouldn’t be around so I could do whatever I wanted for accessory work. I’ve failed at recovery every other day this week so might as well go 7/7 and I’m pretty sure some tire flips are exactly what I need. If I can get get out of bed.