Last day of Sheiko today! And also the last day of my final semester of undergrad!
I’m drinking wine. And watching Project Runway and crying because Michelle won. I think I’m mentally unstable. Not because of Project Runway. And not because of the wine. But because I almost didn’t make it into the gym today. Instead, I was contemplating giving up powerlifting entirely and taking up Crossfit or yoga or knitting.
You see, I seem to be suffering from an identity crisis. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in full-out exam mode, and at large part of my “studying” has been filled with daydreams about how I would soon be an adult and I would have time to sit out on my balcony and drink wine! And meet people! And travel to exotic places! And workout on Sundays!
Then, at 11:23 this morning, I submitted my final assignment. And I didn’t feel relieved. I just felt empty.
I feel like I’ve lost a major part of my identity, because I’m a no longer a student. So… what am I? Well, I’m not entirely sure. But I seem to keep coming back to two things: I’m a lifter and I’m lonely. Both of those things are kind of sad, and that’s not the wine talking. At least I can recognize that being lonely is a temporary condition. And even though I suck at social interaction, there is hope for change. But lifting isn’t even who I am, it’s just something I do three times a week at the gym – and I’m not even sure why I do it, because I can’t honestly say it makes me happy.
Sure, when I pick up a big weight, I feel pretty psyched. That’s a good feeling. But it’s fleeting. And 98% of the time I’m in the gym, not setting PRs and feeling shitty about the fact that I’m not stronger, and lamenting the fact that other people are stronger than me. Plus, what hobbies do I have when I spend so much time in the rack? Can I carry a conversation on anything other than lifting? Maybe this is why I’m lonely.
So, I was considering skipping my workout today, in order to get celebratory drunk or just drunk, I’m not sure. If it had been anything other than the final workout of my current Sheiko routine, I probably would have bailed. But it seemed appropriate to go in and say goodbye at least, since I seem to be entering a period of transition everywhere else in my life.
I skipped the dips. I needed to hurry up and get out of the gym before it closed, and I spent a very large chunk of my workout talking to Gary. Part of me is cheered up: we are going to go see Pain & Gain on Wednesday, because whether I want to admit it or not, I am a bro deep down inside. But I also feel really sad because he told me I’d been mentioned a few times in conversations with people at the gym. Apparently I am known as “The Powerlifting Chick”. I said it was funny that everyone knows who I am, and they can talk about me when I’m not around but he is the only person in the gym who I actually talk to. He told me it’s because I’m intimidating.
Fuck. I don’t know what to think, because that only seems to make the issue of being lonely and dissatisfied with my lifts seem even worse.
I’m really a nice person, I swear. I just think it’s ridiculous that the trainers at my gym are showing the 200lb hockey players how to squat a 20lb dumbbell on a bosu ball because “it’s great for ankle strength”. Or maybe I believe that most healthy women should be able to quarter squat more than 65lbs. And maybe some times I look disapproving when I witness these things. But it’s more a matter of, “Why are you wasting your time with that” than any sort of personal judgement.
Lifting-wise, there are videos of my bench but Gary snuck into the background and then requested they not be posted on the internet. I can respect that, especially since I’m really fat today. Like, I couldn’t even buckle up my lever belt, which is already set to what I consider to be my fat setting. Oof. The funny thing is, I almost don’t care because I’ve walked by the mirror a couple of times this week and thought “Damn. My butt is looking great.” And even if my BMI is obese, I wear a size 8… so I don’t care.
But I should probably reign in my eating, just to avoid bouncing back up to 252lbs. That should be possible. I’ll be settling into a more stable routine and hopefully that will improve my diet, my lifting and my general happiness. Or I’ll take up Crossfit. The future is a mystery.