I haven’t deadlifted in over a week. I’ve been feeling kind of sick, probably as a result of insomnia, caffeine withdrawal, allergies and just general depression and anxiety. Whatever. I don’t even lift because I’m a derby girl now.
I had my second week of Ottawa Roller Derby’s “Crash Course” tonight. And seriously, if I were to offer up one big piece of life advice, it would be to avoid Roller Derby if you want to improve your self-esteem.
I think tonight just started out on a bad note. After our running and lunges, we put on our skates and held some bodyweight squats. I had three instructors come over and try to correct my squat: My hip angle is too small. My ass is too low. My feet need to be parallel and pointing forward.
I feel like I should have a handle on squatting and I was just feeling so discouraged that everyone else around me could do something that I feel is a skill I have mastered. Plus, I tried to tell one of the instructors that the way she positioned me made my back hurt and she said I’d get used to it as I got stronger. I’m sorry – and maybe I need to check my ego – but I don’t feel like my strength is a limiting factor here and if I say something is painful, I feel like a good instructor would show me how to make a modification.
Anyway, I was feeling really bummed out about those stupid squats, only to realize that I still haven’t quit figured out how to glide and fall. We reviewed the things we learned last week and I still feel like an ungraceful elephant. But then it kind of hit me that these are just skills I need to practice and with time they’ll come. And maybe I know how to low bar squat but maybe the roller derby squat is a new skill I need to learn – though I still doubt that my lower back should feel as jacked up as it does.
After reviewing the falls, we learned two types of stops: the plough stop and the T-stop. I am still not sure what a T-stop is, to be honest. But at least with the plough stop I don’t have to go crashing into the boards every time I need to stop.
The last thing we learned were strides. Again, another skill I have a tenuous grasp on at best.
I feel a little bad that this stuff is not more intuitive for me, because there are some girls who seem to pick all of these things up in three seconds flat and meanwhile I’m still falling on my giant ass.
I will say one thing though: I feel like lately I’ve been injecting a lot of Red Pill mentality into my brain. The internet is awful because it allows me to mainline this bullshit “wisdom” into my body, until I’m convinced there are no fat girls on the internet. Or if there are, they are subhuman. Sometimes I feel like I do believe that, which explains a lot when it comes to my feelings of self-worth.
But tonight I was able to take a step back and look around and talk to a lot of girls who have butts and boobs and bellies and thighs. I think I need to find some more ways to keep myself busy and off the internet. But maybe not roller derby every night, because I don’t think my pride could handle it.
I don’t even know what to say at this point. Someone should declare a state of emergency and send National aid to try and fix my eating habits. I just don’t ever feel satisfied, until I’m like a bajillion calories over my allowance for the day.
Apart from derby though, my accomplishments for the weekend include cooking up food for the rest of the week, eating a tonne of raisins & muffins, and watching an entire season of The Wire: “”I throw down in the kitchen. Among other places.”