A Dainty Diary of Lifting

June 14: Dozy deadlifting


As I mentioned yesterday, I finally went to a doctor. I’ve been having some issues for a while. Lack of motivation to lift and runaway diet are truly just symptoms of a bigger issue in my life right now. I’m not saying that as an excuse, although it took me a while to accept that for myself.

I might regret admitting this on the internet, but I feel that it needs to be said: I’ve been feeling suicidal for a while, but I promised someone important that I wouldn’t hurt myself. When push came to shove, I decided that I valued that promise and forced myself to go to the doctor.

It went way better than I ever imagined it could go. The doctor proposed a bunch of solutions, and let me decide which ones I wanted to pursue. And for the first time, I felt like someone was asking the right questions. Instead of asking me how I felt or why I felt this way, he asked me how my level of interest in my hobbies was doing. Doc, I’ve been saying for months that I have no interest in lifting. Just read my blog.

So this is my second day on an SSRI. I don’t expect to be cured overnight, but I feel better knowing that I’m doing what I can for now to resolve the situation. I have to go back to see the same doctor in a couple of weeks and we’ll re-evaluate then. In the meantime, I feel a bit a like a robot. A very tired robot. My emotions feel like they’re frozen and dealing with all of that junk yesterday was exhausting. I haven’t been sleeping well to begin with and doziness is a side effect of the drugs, so I am feeling a little foggy today. I know there will be a period of adjustment here, but I keep telling myself that this will be better for my lifting and my life in the long term.

Another side effect of the drugs is appetite suppression, at least initially. I am running a huge calorie deficit right now, and I knew that wasn’t going to help my performance at the gym. I tried to stuff down some extra calories at dinner, but I was just making myself feel sick so I gave up and went to the gym.

Breakfast for Dinner: Pumpkin pancakes with a fried egg and strawberries

Breakfast for Dinner:
Pumpkin pancakes with a fried egg and strawberries

I went and deadlifted, working up to 295x3x3. It’s a good thing that I’m at the beginning of a program and had an easy day, because everything felt heavy. Then again, I think I’ve only deadlifted twice in the past 2 months, so what else could I have expected?

After pulling, I did front squats, leg curls, lat pull downs and some push ups as my accessory work. I only managed 165×5 on front squatting, which is lower than where I was a few weeks ago, but I’m relieved that I’m starting a progression once again. I feel like I’m in a place where I can start rebuilding, and I’m satisfied that I’ve done enough for now.


3 thoughts on “June 14: Dozy deadlifting

  1. When I went through my anxiety depression stuff, my SSRIs started helping after a couple weeks. Thet weren’t all the way settled out and normal feeling until about a month though. Take it easy on yourself while you figure things out and try not to stress about strength until its a fun thing to stress about.

    This post makes me happy to read though. I know I don’t really know you at all for real, but you are hands down one of my favorite internet people and I’m glad to hear your feeling like you’ve made a step in the right direction 🙂

  2. I don’t know what you’re on, but mine made me feel realllly sleepy and kinda disconnected from my body/zombie-like plus the appetite suppression for a week and change. A couple of bleh lifts during that time. It gets better though! So good you found a good doc.

  3. I’m way late to this party but I just wanted you to know that I love reading your posts because sometimes it scarily echoes my own life. The lifting, the depression, and the body image/diet. I wish I could meet you in person because I feel like we’d have a lot in common and I don’t know many women who lift heavy. Anyway, I hope that you’re finding some equilibrium now. Life change is always so hard, especially right when you’re in the middle of it. People will tell you to make new friends and try new things but it’s HARD. If it makes you feel better at all, I’m here commiserating with you!

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