As I mentioned yesterday, I finally went to a doctor. I’ve been having some issues for a while. Lack of motivation to lift and runaway diet are truly just symptoms of a bigger issue in my life right now. I’m not saying that as an excuse, although it took me a while to accept that for myself.
I might regret admitting this on the internet, but I feel that it needs to be said: I’ve been feeling suicidal for a while, but I promised someone important that I wouldn’t hurt myself. When push came to shove, I decided that I valued that promise and forced myself to go to the doctor.
It went way better than I ever imagined it could go. The doctor proposed a bunch of solutions, and let me decide which ones I wanted to pursue. And for the first time, I felt like someone was asking the right questions. Instead of asking me how I felt or why I felt this way, he asked me how my level of interest in my hobbies was doing. Doc, I’ve been saying for months that I have no interest in lifting. Just read my blog.
So this is my second day on an SSRI. I don’t expect to be cured overnight, but I feel better knowing that I’m doing what I can for now to resolve the situation. I have to go back to see the same doctor in a couple of weeks and we’ll re-evaluate then. In the meantime, I feel a bit a like a robot. A very tired robot. My emotions feel like they’re frozen and dealing with all of that junk yesterday was exhausting. I haven’t been sleeping well to begin with and doziness is a side effect of the drugs, so I am feeling a little foggy today. I know there will be a period of adjustment here, but I keep telling myself that this will be better for my lifting and my life in the long term.
Another side effect of the drugs is appetite suppression, at least initially. I am running a huge calorie deficit right now, and I knew that wasn’t going to help my performance at the gym. I tried to stuff down some extra calories at dinner, but I was just making myself feel sick so I gave up and went to the gym.
I went and deadlifted, working up to 295x3x3. It’s a good thing that I’m at the beginning of a program and had an easy day, because everything felt heavy. Then again, I think I’ve only deadlifted twice in the past 2 months, so what else could I have expected?
After pulling, I did front squats, leg curls, lat pull downs and some push ups as my accessory work. I only managed 165×5 on front squatting, which is lower than where I was a few weeks ago, but I’m relieved that I’m starting a progression once again. I feel like I’m in a place where I can start rebuilding, and I’m satisfied that I’ve done enough for now.