So to start: a huge thank you to anyone from the internet who has been supportive of me this week as I try to figure out how to cope with life. I recognize that my “real life” support network is not quite as strong as it could be, and even where I do have friends who want to be helpful, I just feel like they don’t always get it. Asking for help seems like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I needed some help to get there. But there have been a few people on the internet who have really helped me reach a “Eureka!” moment, and now I just feel incredibly relieved.
Actually, that’s a lie. I almost feel relieved. I almost feel a lot of things, but I’m not quite there. It’s like all of my emotions are encapsulated inside of my brain and I can see them but I can’t reach out and actually feel them. I almost feel numb. I almost feel happy. I almost feel anxious. Shit is weird and confusing. But I’m also having about a dozen other side effects which are freaking me out to various degrees. We’ll see what the doc says when I go back.
Among those side effects are lack of motivation, drowsiness and insomnia. Have you ever had drowsiness and insomnia at the same time? It’s like your body is at war with itself. And I was supposed to go to derby tonight, after completing the Ottawa Spartan Sprint yesterday.
I did this race last year and finished it in 75 minutes. This year, I did it with a different group of friends and the course had changed locations to a ski hill. It was awful. Maybe it’s just the prairie girl in me talking, but trying to run up and down grassy black diamond ski runs didn’t make me feel hardcore. It just made me feel defeated – even after getting the t-shirt and the bragging rights. I think part of the reason it sucked so much is because there was a mistake in setting up the course: it was supposed to be a 5 km course, but it was actually 6.7 km – with one water station on a hot day. I think given the entry fee, the fee for parking and the bag-drop fee, they could afford to give the runners more than 8 oz of water. Not sure I would ever want to do this type of race again, given the whole experience.
Anyway, I thought I’d be more sore today, given the fact that I spent 2 hours of my life doing that yesterday, but I woke up today with nothing more than some bruises and scrapes on my knees. Unfortunately I had derby tonight and derby is not the most knee friendly sport out there. I really wanted to skip practice, especially given my current state of overwhelming apathy, but I’ve dropped so much money on derby gear at this point that I feel like I need to pass the assessment whether I want to or not. So I went.
We didn’t learn any new skills this week, which is probably for the better. There was also a new instructor. She ran a more structured class than the past couple of weeks and that really jived well with me. Her explanations were more about mechanics – going over things like angles and where to place your weight during the movements – instead of just saying “Do this” and showing us the motions. I think it also helped that she finally provided some context for why we learn things like stepping. There were a couple of times where I just thought, “Oh! That makes so much sense!”
So now I’ve successfully performed the one-point, two-point and four-point falls. I’ve got the plough stop down. (I even got a “You’ve got it!” from the instructor on that one.) I did manage a couple of good t-stops, but that needs work because I can’t hit it consistently. I also need to work on reducing the amount of arm-flailing I’ve got going on when I’m gliding.
Overall though, I felt really shitty about myself after last week’s class and I don’t have that feeling this week. I also feel like I will actually pass the assessment in 5 weeks time. Look at me! I’m so fucking optimistic!
Food has been a lot like sleep: I need it, I want it but I can’t seem to handle it. The smell of food just makes my stomach turn, even if I’m ravenous. I’m hoping this side effect clears up shortly because now that I’m in a more level-headed place, I went back and re-evaluated my diet. I’ve felt off-track since the beginning of May, but my weight and food logs don’t reflect that fact. For one thing, I weigh less right now than I did a month ago. And cooking my meals on Sunday has been keeping me on track most of the time – which is what really matters. So it’s okay that I ate an entire pistachio dark chocolate bar for supper tonight, right?