A Dainty Diary of Lifting


General Lifting & Life update

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down:

For the first two weeks of November I was technically homeless. Add in unemployment and I had literally nowhere to go. Moving out of my old place, I thought I was prepared but somehow the reality of couch surfing involved a lot of stress eating and a constant feeling of anxiety. It most certainly did not involve the gym. The whole affair was, to put it politely, a mind fuck. 

I was kind of dreading weighing myself after eating a cinnamon bun for second breakfast every morning and Burgers ‘n Fries Forever for first lunch every day. But now I’m moved into my new place. I’m still penniless and more Baroque than Rubens, but curiosity got the better of me and I had to weigh myself. Somehow I gained 18lbs. I don’t believe that’s actually physically possible, which might be why I can’t bring myself to care. Also, I’m trying this new thing. It’s a foreign concept, imported from overseas. It’s called: relaxation.

Actually, a lot of this has to do with Precision Nutrition. They have forced me to create and implement a sleep routine and I think that going to bed earlier, putting away my electronics an hour before bed and writing down all of my thoughts at night as really helped my overall attitude. It’s definitely a stress management strategy and I’m reaping the benefits. 

Which is funny because I have a lot of reasons to be stressed out. Actually, I have one reason to be stressed out: money. My EI claim has not been processed and I haven’t been paid since September 11th. Someone scammed my Paypal, so my bank account is currently $800 in overdraft and the money is being held for 21 days. My monthly Lean Eating payment bounced because my credit card is maxed out. And I have this new apartment that I absolutely freakin’ adore but it feels a bit like a mental institution because there is no furniture and no artwork and possibly a lack of rent money. Somehow I expected my adult life to be a bit less… destitute.

The weird thing is, I feel a bit like I am skating over the problems in my life. Why haven’t I just curled into a ball and cried and given up? A part of me must be in denial, because there’s simply no other explanation. What’s a bit more debt at this point? What’s another doughnut after the first 18lbs I’ve put on? I’ll deal with it when there’s dealing to be done.

Actually, moving into my new place, I woke up on Monday morning and thought “This is my routine.” Then I got up and I ate like a rational human being and I went to the gym and then I did some errands and I followed my sleep routine in the evening. I’ve been doing the same thing every day since. I was really missing the structure and routine of my everyday life and now I’m back to it, so I guess my life is being dealt with.

And I know I thrive on routine in the gym, too. I tried to think back to the last time I had a well-structured lifting routine and it must’ve been in December, which also happens to be when I did my last meet. Probably not coincidental.

Somewhere in all of the chaos of moving, I managed to volunteer at the OPA Provincial Powerlifting Championships this weekend. It was fun (and exhausting). Not only did I see some familiar faces but I met some new people and generally basked in powerlifting conversations. By the end of the meet, I’d confirmed how much I missed strength training and lifting with a purpose. So I got back to the gym on Monday and started Starting Strength. Hopefully it’s exactly the routine I need to get strong (and rich!) again. 


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Still homeless

I felt like I should write something for my blog, although I feel like I have nothing to say about lifting or my diet and everything to say about how hopeless my life feels right now.

I am now entering my 11th day of homelessness. I thought I was going to be ok because I had people to stay with. In reality, I am having anxiety attacks every time I turn around, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks and my diet is beyond fucked up. My Lean Eating compliance has been 0% for this past week and I don’t even care. I feel like I am just floating along in my existence. I feel like I could just die and no one would notice. I don’t mean that in the “I’m depressed and want to die” kind of way, but more like I am just apathetic and my life really lacks any sort of meaning at the moment.

Actually, I’m probably depressed. I’d been an SSRI for 5 months, but since I haven’t received any sort of income since September 11th, I can’t afford to renew my prescription. So I am trying to stay calm with a Ca supplement and sheet willpower. I can’t say I feel like it’s working.

Did I mention my diet is fucked up and I haven’t been to the gym in 10 days? I keep saying I need to go tomorrow, but I’m so far away from my gym that I’m skeptical it will happen. Also, I feel sick.

The first week, I stayed with friends who ate relatively healthy, although they did serve me a risotto that was lacking in protein. But I ate steak tacos and oatmeal and quinoa, etc. I still didn’t go to the gym but whatever. I found myself sneaking a chocolate bar into their apartment and feeling guilty because they didn’t eat chocolate. But then I switched houses and it was freaky in an entirely new way. I went grocery shopping and somehow managed to bypass the produce, meat and bakery sections. I don’t even consider the rest of the store to be real food! Like, who eats ravioli from a can and thinks, “Man, this tastes really delicious”.

And then I feel guilty because these people are housing me and feeding me and I just sound like an ungrateful food snob – and I really have no right to complain when I ate peanut butter m&ms and toffee cookies for lunch.

I know that at some point I will care and there is a part of me that will care. I will move into my apartment in a week. I’ll establish a routine and step on the scale, but for now I am in a weird state of anxiety/apathy. My coach sent out a mass e-mail telling me that Friday’s lesson was SO important and I should check out. I just wanted to tell her to fuck off. But really I think I just want a hug and that has nothing do with how lean I am or am not.