Today was a rest day so I’ve been feeling kind of lazy all day. While I would normally feel kind of blah for having done nothing but read 150 pages of a Jonathan Franzen novel, I am feeling weirdly optimistic. I’ve been feeling irrationally optimistic for a while now, and I think it’s because I am starting to understand that there is nothing that is in fact wrong with my body. There are however, a lot of things wrong with the way that I perceive myself. I submit the following pieces of evidence to support this notion:
- Exhibit A: I was stress eating while I was homeless. But I felt the most anxiety over the fact that I was only sabotaging myself by making myself fatter when I have to go home for Christmas and confront my sister – who is undoubtedly hotter, skinnier, more successful and less single than I am. Which is funny, because my parents are both over 400lbs and I went home for Christmas several years in a row, no less single and tipping the scales at over 250lbs. And I’m probably not going to receive the 6-pack abs that I asked Santa for this year.
- Exhibit B: I follow the blog of a lifter whom I greatly respect and might one day hope to emulate. She completed a Whole 30 type challenge and celebrated losing 6lbs. In reading how pleased she was with herself, it struck me that I am not satisfied unless I lose 2lbs/week – and even then, I don’t consider it anything to write home about.
- Exhibit C: I came off my SSRIs when I couldn’t afford to buy them. But one of the reasons I was interested in PNLE is because it was supposed to address some hormonal imbalances, which I quite obviously needed to do. And I finally think that having a regimented sleep schedule is in fact doing that. I’ve started to notice that if I force myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour, then I feel more resilient and capable of confronting the world. If I stay up late and then sleep until noon, then I am much less inclined to cook my own meals, eat healthy, workout or even leave the house. I don’t think I understood that my sleep quality was lacking, and now that I’ve addressed it, I feel like everything else in my life is fixed or fixable.
- Exhibit D: I’ve been making a lot of the recipes from Diane Sanfillipo’s 21 Day Sugar Detox. In fact, I confess that I did try to do the 21 day program, but on day 7 I flubbed and ate a cheeseburger with a whole grain bun. Which I can’t honestly can’t say that I’m too upset about. I was having these incredible junk food benders that were havoc on my digestive system and my mental health. And I was eating a lot of fruit, which is not necessarily the worst choice I could make, but I started to understand that I was eating too many peaches, bananas, and pineapples and not enough veggies, which are undoubtedly a better choice. Now that I’ve made the concious effort to swap some of my fruit for veggies, I’ve started to have this irrational and recurring thought that if I just continue to eat this way, then maybe my body won’t turn out so bad. If I were to continue eating like this, then what justification could have for beating myself up over the fact that I weigh >150lbs?
So I’ve been trying to refocus and reframe not just my diet but also my mindset. I am actually doing okay. As much as I was self-medicating with food for a while, I recognized that it was reinforcing all of the stress in my life and I did something about it. And now that I’m less certain about where my diet could be tightened up, I’m documenting it. And I’m going to be working on my nutritional habits for the rest of my life, which is okay. Because it’s not a judgement, unless I make it a judgement against myself.
And if I’m being kinder to myself, then I have reason to celebrate today. I finally eeked out 100% compliance on one of my nutritional habits. This hasn’t happened since the first month I joined the program. And I feel like it really wasn’t a stretch to avoid drinking anything besides coffee, tea, water and sparkling water for the past two weeks. So I am doing something right. There’s hope for me yet.
8:55 – Breakfast –
- 1/2 sweet potato (fist sized serving)
- 2 eggs
- 2 slices of bacon
- 1 shallot
- 2 fists of Bubbie’s Sauerkraut
- Black Coffee
- 1 tbsp fish oil
- Probiotic capsules
12:25 – Lunch – Leftover beef stir fry
- 1/2 lb skirt steak
- 1/2 tbsp coconut oil
- 1/8 c. coconut aminos
- 1/2 shallot
- 3 green onions
- florets from 1 stalk of broccoli
- 1/2 tbsp. sesame seeds
- fist sized serving of bean sprouts
3:30 – Second Lunch –
- Fist-sized serving of cottage cheese
- aprx 1/2 tbsp cocoa powder
- 3 mini cucumbers
- 23 g R/S Almonds – about 2 thumbs worth
- 2 Carrot Pumpkin Spice Muffins
- Venti passion tea @ Starbucks
8:25 – Post-nap supper –
- Fist-sized serving of lean ground beef fried with tomato and baby kale
- Cupped handful of steamed acorn squash
- 1/2 cup of Primevera