A Dainty Diary of Lifting

Food Journal Day 5


I feel like I am really on top of things, so I’m not worried. If I keep doing what I’m doing everything will be fine. But fuck. I am so bloated and crampy and tired feeling today. I just feel so fat. And I ordered a pair of leggings from Forever 21, and when I tried them on, I ripped a giant hole in the crotch which certainly didn’t make me feel any better about my body.

I feel a bit like I am at odds with myself. On the one hand, I feel like I am eating really well! I have eliminated a lot of the sugar from my diet and my emotional state seems to be about 110% improved. I am crushing it in terms of recovery right now. If I just keep doing all of this consistently, which I absolutely know that I am capable of doing, then in the long run my body will be totally ok. But then I look in the mirror. And all I can see is how fat I look. My stomach is so distended and I have back fat and one giant freakin’ muffin top/spare tire. And when I see all of that, I just feel revolting.

Why are my emotions so goddamn complex?

In other news, I spent the vast majority of the day in bed and reading a Jonathan Franzen novel. Since my motivation was obviously low and I feel disgusting, I skipped my lifting workout and just did my active recovery today. Which is fine because it allows me to rearrange my workout schedule for the week to accommodate a Crossfit class on Saturday. Hopefully I will feel like my body is Crossfit-ready by then.

Food Diary

8:40 – Breakfast

  • 1 Pumpkin pancake made with coconut flour
  • 1 thumb of almond-hazelnut butter
  • 1.5 mustard & sage glazed chicken thighs
  • 1 cupped handful of Bubbie’s Sauerkraut
  • 1 cup of black coffee
  • 1 tbsp fish oil
  • 2 probiotic caps.

11:45 –

  • 1 cup of dandelion root tea

1:10 – Lunch

  • 2 apple streusel egg muffins (2 eggs, 1/2 an apple, 1 tbsp coconut flour)
  • 3 thumbs of cauliflower hummus
  • 2 carrots
  • 1 mini cucumber

4:25 –

  • 1 cupped handful of cottage cheese
  • Leftover chocolate mousse – 1/2 avocado, 1/2 banana, 1/8 cup cocoa powder, 1/8 cup almond milk, 1 tbsp cocoa nibs
  • 1 green apple
  • 23 g R/S Almonds

I had planned to eat more at lunch but felt too full to continue eating. Then I was hungry an hour later but absolutely determined to finish the novel I’d been working on. Finally, when the novel just seemed interminable and my stomach was distracting me, I just gave in and ate… and man, was I hungry.

9:15 – Post-workout

  • 1 fist of lean ground beef cooked with a tomato and baby kale
  • 2 thumbs of home-made ketchup
  • 1 Pumpkin pancake
  • 1 thumb of almond butter

4 thoughts on “Food Journal Day 5

  1. Ugh, jesus, too much feels for aesthetics *vomit*.

    Where’s your desire to rock? To kick ass? To be slightly more awesome than regular people? To be strong? To be healthy? To feel happy with yourself and your acomplishments? You’re gonna make yourself nuts with all this back fat, muffin top, drama!

    Might just be me but…. all this PNLE shit seems to have gotten you focused on some weird goals. Please, feel free to tell me “shut the fuck up while I focus on getting hot! This is how I like to diet.” But, maybe your putting too much pressure on yourself to hit PNLE’s dramatic before and after photo reputation. Perhaps you should use their template to help achieve other goals… Goals that wont make you so depressed. Healthier heart? Stronger legs? Bigger deadlift? I have a feeling Mama Stumptuous would be sad to read about a client of PNLE being so bummed about their looks!

    (p.s. I totally understand everything you are saying, I go through a crisis with my mirror too… but you can’t let be something you worry about too much)

    • I was kind of shocked by your comment, and I’m still at a bit of a loss as to how to respond. I feel like I am in a relatively good headspace: I’m eating the best I’ve ever eaten and really focusing on good quality recovery. I do feel good about those things and I know that I’m doing what I can do for today.

      But, at the same time, I’m the heaviest and weakest I’ve been in two years and that’s not exactly something that’s easy to feel good about, because u know I can do better. Especially on Lean Eating where the goal is to be lean, lean, lean. No matter how they market themselves, leanness is the end goal. It’s ultimately an aesthetics focused program. Workouts where you do 3 exercises with no rest and sets of 20 are not strength oriented workouts. And even though weight loss is not their primary objective, they make you take measurements every week and there is some expectation that after 6 months on the program you will see some progress – whereas I have quite objectively gone backwards.

      And ya it’s a bit of a mindfuck when they add in their dramatic transformations and a cash prize at the end… I am not in the running for that.

      (And I think I will always have an obsession with my back fat. It drives me bonkers. My sister used to tell me I couldn’t wear a bathing suit in public because I have back boobs. So I am ruined for life on that front.)

      • I apologize if I read more than I should have from the (honestly rather small) image-critical paragraph in your post. I suppose you did start this post off with “I feel like I am really on top of things”. That was my fault there. I may have also been reading too much “women hate their bodies” bullshit on the internet in general and taken it out on you 😉

        Anyway, you came off so sad about your body, and it made me want to blow up PNLE…

        Sorry for being so brash

      • Nah it’s all good. I was too critical on myself yesterday… though what I didn’t say was that my body always feel gross when I’m hormonal and I realize that some of it is just water weight.

        And I admit that I have had some of my own frustrations with PNLE… I don’t think I fully realized or accepted that they are so focused on aesthetics when I committed to the program. I have gotten some good things that will help me be a better lifter, but everything they teach you is to make you leaner and that really eclipses any other goals while not getting you there terribly fast….

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