Ok. So. My post yesterday was more negative than I intended it to be. Overall, I do think I am in a good headspace. But I am also on my period, and I do feel like my body is rebelling. I actually think the fact that my body looks and feels gross when it’s bloated and leaky is quite normal. But maybe the negativity was overstated, which is something that I’ve actively been working to change.
I do intend to do a more in-depth review of what I’ve liked and disliked in PNLE, but I feel like that’s going to take some time to hash out, so now is not the time. Instead, let’s about the reason that I’m obsessed with back fat. This may seem like a weird obsession. Men will not understand. I know this because I know a male-to-female trans guy who once said, “What is this? I suddenly have back fat. I never had this before the oestrogen.” And one of my other friends simply replied, “Congratulations! You’re a woman.”
In July 2011, I embarked on my weight loss journey and I was feeling pretty low about my body. The month before, I’d gone to Jamaica for a family wedding. Even though my grandparents are both Jamaican citizens, I’ve never told anyone that I’m Jamaican without being greeted by expressions of surprise. I am whiter than wonderbread and being Canadian, I basically live in an igloo for 9 months of the year. Suffice to say that I was not wholly equipped to deal with Jamaica in the summertime.
But when it’s that hot and that humid, everyone is walking around in their bikinis. And I weighed 232lbs at the time and I was very self-conscious and tried very hard to wear sundresses constantly but even those were too unbearably warm. After the first few days, I was so sweaty and read and I had chub rub between my thighs and I just didn’t care. I’d brought along two one-piece bathing suits so why shouldn’t I wear them. One of them was fine, although I didn’t quite have the chest to fill it out. The other one needed to be tied up in the back. Of course, I asked my sister to tie it up for me. After she’d knotted the straps, she grabbed my back fat and said, “Your bubbies are showing.”
“You know, back boobs?”
I have back boobs. I had never even been aware of their existence before that trip, but I have now been indelibly scarred by this act of sisterly love. I absolutely know it’s not rational. But the idea persists. And even now, if I catch the view of my back at just the right angle, I can’t help but think to myself “Ugh. Bubbies.” I certainly know that if my sister were here, she’d still find back fat to grab. Congratulations, I’m a woman!
8:00 – Breakfast –
- 2 mustard chicken thighs
- 1 pumpkin pancake made w/coconut flour
- 1 cupped handful of Bubbie’s Sauerkraut
- 1 cup of black coffee
- 1.5 tbsp fish oil
- 2 probiotic caps
12:20 – Lunch –
- Large carrot
- 3 thumbs of cauliflower hummus
- 3 apple egg muffins
- 23 g R/S Almonds
- 1 cupped handful of pistachios w/shell
- 1 palm sized serving of dark chocolate almond bark
- 1 fist-sized orange bell pepper
- 1 mustard glazed chicken thigh
9:50 – Post-workout –
- 3 slices of bacon
- 1 thumb of feta cheese
- 2 thumbs of balsamic vinaigrette
- 1 cupped handful of cherry tomatoes
- 1 cupped handful of diced yellow pepper
- 1 fist-sized onion
- 2 fists of boston lettuce
- 1 banana
I am not all that hungry but I figured I should eat something. I was really craving sugar and a burger but I wandered around the supermarket for 30 minutes looking at a bunch of different thing – mostly junk food but feeling like none of them would leave me satisfied. The only things that were appealing to me were kale, green apples and avocado. So I just came home and ate a salad. My head really is in a good place.