I had to lift today, although I feel like I’ve been taking it easy at the gym lately. This is partially because my allostatic stress seems to be mounting and I probably won’t feel more normalized until the new year. First of all: my uterus appears to be malfunctioning this month. Without going into details, I have a very, very strong suspicion that this is correlated with my body image issues lately. I’m counting down the days (55) until I turn 25 so I can just request a hysterectomy and be done with it.
Second of all, I am still not entirely sure what’s going on with my job situation. I think at some point I will have a job, but honestly I don’t know. Why won’t someone just pay me to do a job that doesn’t involve human interaction?
Third, I’m flying home for Christmas and this is a huge source of stress all around. Christmas at my house just plain sucks. I don’t know if it’s magical for anyone, but my dad has always had issues with Christmas and since he is always miserable, so is everyone else. Apart from that, I will be sleeping on an air mattress for 10 days, so that is probably going to put in a wrench in my recovery, which I’ve been rocking. And of course, I will be obligated to see all of my ex-friends who married each other and have jobs and houses and children. I’ve tried to visualize a couple of the scenarios that I know I will encounter, and they just become so stressful that I end up visualizing all of the excuses I could make to get out of these situations. No, I am still chronically single and struggling with my weight and self-esteem, and generally feel isolated from all of you, just like I did in high school.
Then there’s the issue of what I’m going to eat for 10 days. The last time I ate with abandon for 10 days, I gained 19lbs (and I spent a week de-bloating before I could even step on a scale). Simply: that cannot happen again. Mentally, I am just unprepared to deal with that. But I’m staying at my parents house so it should be easy to just cook reasonable meals, enjoy some Christmas treats and come back on January 4th ready to face a body fat assessment. If only it were that simple.
I’m stressed out thinking about my parent’s diets. They are both well north of 400lbs. I am willing to bet my dad is over 600lbs. So I do generally worry that one of them will have a heart attack and die at any given second. But when I moved out on my own, I could at least reasonably see that my responsibility was only to feed myself. The problem is that now I have to go back and surround myself in a diet that sustains this extreme morbid obesity. And I don’t want to do that.
I can already picture my parents’ pantry which is really just a wall of refined corn and sugar in brightly coloured boxes. Or their “junk drawer” which is so full of candy that it spills out on to the counter above it. Or my mother’s secret chocolate stash. Or the massive serving sizes for 8 meals every day – because really, a snack that consists of 1/2 a gallon of ice cream is no longer a snack. Or the way my dad used to force us to sit down to dinner as a family, but we never talked because we were too busy shoveling our food into our faces and inhaling. Or all of the meals that came pre-cooked, swimming in mysterious sauce and consumed in our kitchen, but prepared somewhere else. Or all of trips for errands that ended with a trip to the coffee shop for a little “something” which was inevitably a hot chocolate or an iced cappuccino with whipped cream.
I suggested to my parents that I could cook while I was home. I have a baseline established for how I eat and I want to continue eating as close as possible to that baseline. Arguably, part of my parent’s problem is that they have no baseline nutritional habits. But I haven’t even arrived and it’s already a source of frustration for all of us. My dad won’t eat any “stinky vegetables” – cucumber, tomato, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, kale, cabbage, zucchini or sweet potatoes. He claims that he was traumatized by boarding school vegetables, and I can only imagine that it was awful. But when I try to point out that he lost his sense of smell an accident when I was little, that I can probably cook better than any institutional setting, that his taste buds might have changed sometime in the past 40 years, then I just come off sounding like a confrontational asshole. I just want my parents to eat some goddamn vegetables!
My mom won’t eat mustard, turnips or anything mexican. She said she’d make dinner the first night I was home. Pizza!
It takes a lot of calories and a special kind of diet to feed people who are morbidly obese. I am not the type of person who will tell a fat person that I believe they should lose some weight because I’m concerned about their health. I don’t really care. I get it. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life, and I’m not entirely sure it’s made me happier. But these are my parents! I know they aren’t happy and I just want them to try eating some real food! They are the prime example of people whose diets who benefit tremendously from even a few small changes. If I could drop 20lbs in a month by eating more brussel sprouts, god knows I’d eat nothing but brussel sprouts and love it!
And if I have to worry about them, then I’d at least like to know that I’m taken care of. That’s why I have a well-stocked pantry and I plan out all of my meals. Do you know why my diet is so on track since I moved? Because there is nowhere nearby that I can buy junk food and I never do my weekly grocery shopping trip when I’m hungry – so junk food just doesn’t make it home.But instead, on Wednesday, I am going back into the middle of all of my bad old habits and it feels like I am quite literally moving backwards. I’m really scared about what’s going to happen.
So, for the fourth day of self-affirmation: (4) I am really good about planning my meals. I’ve made a list of what I will buy and eat when I’m home. I’ve even thought ahead to the plane ride and packed enough meals to get me through the day of traveling. I’ve asked my sister to bring home her protein powder. I’ve planned out an LE-friendly Christmas dinner. I feel like eating healthy kind of happens on auto-pilot for me now, and if I just stick to the plan, then that can happen anywhere.
9:35 – Breakfast – Swirly crustless quiche + yam hash
- 1 slice of quiche: 2 eggs, 1 handful of shredded zucchini and carrot
- 2 slices of bacon
- 1 small onion
- 1 cupped handful of shredded yam
- black coffee
- 1 tbsp fish oil
- 1 probiotic cap
1:10 – Lunch
- 1 cupped handful of 0% plain greek yogurt
- 1 thumb of honey
- 1 thumb of walnut pieces
- 6 cherry tomatoes
- 1 medium carrot
- 4 thumbs of cucumber
5:10 – Post-workout – Super shake
- 1/2 avocado
- 1 small banana
- 1 scoop of whey
- 1/8 cup cocoa powder
- 1 cupped handful of baby spinach
- splash of vanilla
- aprx. 1/2 cup almond milk
- aprx. 1 tbsp cocoa nibs
8:00 – Supper – Salad
- 3 slices of bacon
- 1 cupped handful of cherry tomatoes
- 2 cupped handfuls of lettuce
- 2 cupped handfuls of sliced portobella mushrooms
- 1 thumb of feta
- 1 thumb of balsamic vinaigrette
- 1 cupped handful of honey roasted chick peas