I feel like today has been a bit of a whirlwind. I start off the day with a job interview, boring but exhausting work stuff happened, and then I finished with an all-time squat PR.
I actually can’t believe that happened. The last time I got a 5RM squat PR was the day I turned 24. One of my coworkers guessed my age to be 32 today, and it hasn’t quite been 8 years since my last squat PR today, but damned if it doesn’t feel like it. Best of all: no hip pain. And they didn’t even look that difficult (despite how they may have felt).
I also benched 127.5 x5 which was another all-time PR… and I did it three times… and that’s another PR that seems kind of impossible. For about the first time ever, I feel like my bench is actually progressing. I haven’t been recording it because I don’t want to jinx myself, but I probably should take a video to make sure my heels are fully down and my butt isn’t popping up.
The one area where I am not feeling so hot is my deadlift. I pulled 315×3 last Saturday and could not have got a fourth. Not entirely sure what sort of programming I want to do leading up to meet, but historically 5s and 3s are not where I make my best deadlift progress, so I need to figure that out.
Anyway, this was a good way to start off my workouts for my first week of PNLE. My coach wrote to me and said proper eating would support my powerlifting, so I do feel like she gets it, and I feel better having set up a routine that actually motivates me to get into the gym. (Okay, so I dragged my feet a bit at the possibility of failing 275×5, but that still beats glute bridge intervals on a bosu ball any day.)
Of course, in the spirit of PNLE, my diet has not been completely revamped in the first week. I still ate a smore sandwich cookie at lunch today. And I may have eaten an entire box of muesli breakfast pitas on Tuesday…. but at least now I know now to bring them into the house again? I can consume sprouted grain English muffins responsibly, instead.
Last year, my first PNLE habit was to take fish oil. I’m trying to re-adopt that habit, although it’s not my first habit in the program this time around. I am supposed to pick one 5-10 minutes “healthy” action and implement it each day. On Monday I bought a water bottle for my apartment. Several days this week I’ve committed to packing my lunch for the next day at 8 am and then procrastinated on it as long as humanly possible in the evenings – but at least it got done. Tomorrow I am going to the farmer’s market, which I’ve been meaning to do all summer. And today I am writing this blog post.
The idea behind these actions and the accompanying actions is to evaluate and increase my current capacity for change. As much as I feel like I am ready to lose weight, I am not sure I’m ready for the actual change that will take in my life. Quite simply: I gained a lot of weight out of sheer laziness, and even if I don’t feel good about it, it seems a lot easier than the alternatives.
So where do I want to be in a year from now? I want to be under 150lbs without feeling fat. I want to feel like I am in control of my diet, without feeling restricted. I want to be lifting consistently and focusing on my lifts and not the scale, which I have always done in the past. I want to be cooking more for myself, doing meal prep and spending less on groceries. The things is… I kind of want that last one to just happen magically overnight. Aren’t there fairies that can do that for me in my sleep? Am I really willing to put in the effort to change if those fairies don’t exist? Because some of those things seem like a lot of work, if they’re even possible. I mean, I’ve been under 150lbs and I still felt like a landwhale. I still saw myself as being fat. And I know I shouldn’t eat past the point of fullness, but it’s so reassuring when I’m feeling down! Overall, this all seems really hard.
But here’s the thing: I really didn’t feel like packing my lunch any night this week, and yet I still managed to do it. When it was done, I felt so much better AND I felt better the next day because I had satisfying meals and I didn’t have to run to the grocery store for a bunch of impulse buys. I can put in the work, I just need to take it one small step at a time. And maybe by the time I’m actually 32, I’ll have everything figured out – and maybe I’ll be squatting the moon. Is that an unrealistic goal?