I am writing this blog entry in an explicit attempt to get a binge eating episode out of my system without actually binge eating.
I really want an ice cream sandwich – the kind with two chocolate chip cookies on either side. I had one yesterday. I went grocery shopping and I bought one ice cream sandwich and ate it after my afternoon snack.
I thought about buying apple turnovers or croissants, but I told myself I didn’t need them and I avoided the bakery altogether. I considered buying the family-sized bag of m&ms, and I went to the candy aisle and I saw the fuzzy peaches and I thought, “Man, those would both be good together – but you know what I really, really want? Ice cream.” At the end of the day, it’s always fucking ice cream. So I went to the dairy case, I considered all of my options – a pint of cookie dough ice cream or the box of ice cream sandwiches – with vanilla ice cream and 12 chocolate chip cookies that were on sale. Except, I keep trying to open myself up to change, and the change I need is to stop eating junk food until I’m in a coma just because it’s Saturday – which is exactly what will happen if I buy this box of ice cream sandwiches. So I bought 1 ice cream sandwich along with the rest of my groceries.
Then I came home, unpacked my groceries and ate the ice cream sandwich. Oh man, it was delicious. I could;ve eaten about 5 more, even though I was sort of full. And I keep telling myself that I didn’t totally blow it, that I didn’t fuck up by enjoying one, single, lonely ice cream sandwich. But here I am, writing in my blog because a much larger part of me, doesn’t actually believe it. It feels like a fuck up because I couldn’t enjoy it without wanting more.
I need to go to the bank tp get a roll of quarters so I can do laundry. I have to walk by the grocery store on the way there, and again on the way back. I could just pop in and buy the damn box of ice cream sandwiches. They’re on sale!!! And you know, I could just pop in to the burger joint on the way and get a combo with fries. I haven’t had to do any measurements for PNLE, so technically I’m not even tracking my progress. Who’s going to know? And so what if I make myself sick before they give me a nutritional habit? It’s not like they’ve told me to stop eating junk food.
Except, I am an adult – the idea that I need to be told not to eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches is fucking ridiculous. Just like it’s ridiculous that I am obsessing over the ice cream sandwich that I ate yesterday. I don’t want to be insane. I want to feel like I am healthy and in control of my diet. What is wrong with me?
And even when the adult voice inside of me is screaming at me that I don’t need another ice cream sandwich or m&ms or popcorn, there is this much quieter and much more powerful voice that says it doesn’t matter. Even if I avoid binge eating this weekend, I’m just postponing the inevitable. Eventually I will find myself back at the grocery store, reaching for the sugar high that will fuel my self-loathing.
I am open to change. (Am I?)
Actually, this is all a moot point. I think I out-smarted myself this morning. You see, yesterday I did the groceries – I bought yogurt and chicken and rice and protein bars and bananas. I went to the farmer’s market and I bought cherries and beans and peas and cucumbers and shishito peppers. I went to the little shop down the road and bought potatoes and ham to have for dinner tonight, and duck with rice pilaf for later in the week. I have enough healthy food to last me until I get paid. And so if I think I have money to burn on junk food, why don’t I put that money into things that actually matter to me, like paying off my student debt. So that’s what I did. I only had $50 in my chequings account, but I guess that’s $50 off my debt. I guess I won’t be doing laundry today, but that’s okay because I won’t be buying ice cream sandwiches, either. And I’m pretty that if I died suddenly, there would still be a dozen loads of laundry waiting for me in the after life.
I am open to change. I am open to change. I am open to change. I am open to change.
Maybe if I say it often enough, it will become true. Or maybe it will become true because I’m not giving myself a choice in the matter.
Speaking of change: let’s talk about another area of my life where I need a change because I’m feeling a bit lost. I deadlifted yesterday, and I accidentally found my 1RM. It’s 335lbs. Remember when I pulled 370? I kind of feel like that might never happen again.
I need some sort of deadlift programming. Doing 5s is not how I’ve made progress beyong 300lbs in the past. I don’t want to do mag/ort because repetitions don’t tend to help my DL max. I don’t want to do Coan/Phillipi because even though it did get me to a 370lb pull in the past, I felt like I lost 20lbs off my max the minute it was over. There is no reason for me to be peaking for my meet in October, if I can safely qualify for provincials that are only 5 weeks later. So…. what the hell do I do? I’ve never felt like my squat and bench were progressing when my deadlift was faltering. Deadlifting is the whole reason I’m interested in powerlifting!
I am going to keep looking for a deadlift progression that appeals to me. It’s not like I can afford to do anything else today.