GIRLS CAN LIFT

A Dainty Diary of Lifting

Deadlifts and binge eating

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I am writing this blog entry in an explicit attempt to get a binge eating episode out of my system without actually binge eating.

I really want an ice cream sandwich – the kind with two chocolate chip cookies on either side. I had one yesterday. I went grocery shopping and I bought one ice cream sandwich and ate it after my afternoon snack. 

I thought about buying apple turnovers or croissants, but I told myself I didn’t need them and I avoided the bakery altogether. I considered buying the family-sized bag of m&ms, and I went to the candy aisle and I saw the fuzzy peaches and I thought, “Man, those would both be good together – but you know what I really, really want? Ice cream.” At the end of the day, it’s always fucking ice cream. So I went to the dairy case, I considered all of my options – a pint of cookie dough ice cream or the box of ice cream sandwiches – with vanilla ice cream and 12 chocolate chip cookies that were on sale. Except, I keep trying to open myself up to change, and the change I need is to stop eating junk food until I’m in a coma just because it’s Saturday – which is exactly what will happen if I buy this box of ice cream sandwiches. So I bought 1 ice cream sandwich along with the rest of my groceries.

Then I came home, unpacked my groceries and ate the ice cream sandwich. Oh man, it was delicious. I could;ve eaten about 5 more, even though I was sort of full. And I keep telling myself that I didn’t totally blow it, that I didn’t fuck up by enjoying one, single, lonely ice cream sandwich. But here I am, writing in my blog because a much larger part of me, doesn’t actually believe it. It feels like a fuck up because I couldn’t enjoy it without wanting more.

I need to go to the bank tp get a roll of quarters so I can do laundry. I have to walk by the grocery store on the way there, and again on the way back. I could just pop in and buy the damn box of ice cream sandwiches. They’re on sale!!! And you know, I could just pop in to the burger joint on the way and get a combo with fries. I haven’t had to do any measurements for PNLE, so technically I’m not even tracking my progress. Who’s going to know? And so what if I make myself sick before they give me a nutritional habit? It’s not like they’ve told me to stop eating junk food.

Except, I am an adult – the idea that I need to be told not to eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches is fucking ridiculous. Just like it’s ridiculous that I am obsessing over the ice cream sandwich that I ate yesterday. I don’t want to be insane. I want to feel like I am healthy and in control of my diet. What is wrong with me?

And even when the adult voice inside of me is screaming at me that I don’t need another ice cream sandwich or m&ms or popcorn, there is this much quieter and much more powerful voice that says it doesn’t matter. Even if I avoid binge eating this weekend, I’m just postponing the inevitable. Eventually I will find myself back at the grocery store, reaching for the sugar high that will fuel my self-loathing.

I am open to change. (Am I?)

Actually, this is all a moot point. I think I out-smarted myself this morning. You see, yesterday I did the groceries – I bought yogurt and chicken and rice and protein bars and bananas. I went to the farmer’s market and I bought cherries and beans and peas and cucumbers and shishito peppers. I went to the little shop down the road and bought potatoes and ham to have for dinner tonight, and duck with rice pilaf for later in the week. I have enough healthy food to last me until I get paid. And so if I think I have money to burn on junk food, why don’t I put that money into things that actually matter to me, like paying off my student debt. So that’s what I did. I only had $50 in my chequings account, but I guess that’s $50 off my debt. I guess I won’t be doing laundry today, but that’s okay because I won’t be buying ice cream sandwiches, either. And I’m pretty that if I died suddenly, there would still be a dozen loads of laundry waiting for me in the after life.

I am open to change. I am open to change. I am open to change. I am open to change.

Maybe if I say it often enough, it will become true. Or maybe it will become true because I’m not giving myself a choice in the matter. 

Speaking of change: let’s talk about another area of my life where I need a change because I’m feeling a bit lost. I deadlifted yesterday, and I accidentally found my 1RM. It’s 335lbs. Remember when I pulled 370? I kind of feel like that might never happen again.

I need some sort of deadlift programming. Doing 5s is not how I’ve made progress beyong 300lbs in the past. I don’t want to do mag/ort because repetitions don’t tend to help my DL max. I don’t want to do Coan/Phillipi because even though it did get me to a 370lb pull in the past, I felt like I lost 20lbs off my max the minute it was over. There is no reason for me to be peaking for my meet in October, if I can safely qualify for provincials that are only 5 weeks later. So…. what the hell do I do? I’ve never felt like my squat and bench were progressing when my deadlift was faltering. Deadlifting is the whole reason I’m interested in powerlifting!

This sucks.

I am going to keep looking for a deadlift progression that appeals to me. It’s not like I can afford to do anything else today. 

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4 thoughts on “Deadlifts and binge eating

  1. You should read the book “The Power of Habit” it might help you think of creative ways to help break your bad eating cycles.

  2. I totally understand those feelings before a binge and I found the best way that helped me was to acknowledge that I would be able to eat those foods again at some point and I didn’t need to eat all of them right now in one go. I also set a reminder in my phone to go off every Sunday (my typical binge day) to remind me to eat to my goals and I wrote a note in my phone to myself about how awful I feel during and after a binge as a reminder of those feelings without actually having to go through it.
    I also try to go by the rule of first bites – when it stops tasting as amazing as it did the first bite, I stop eating it. This one is a bit harder to stick to and sometimes I do eat way more than I need but it has definitely made me more mindful of what I’m eating and how it tastes/is making me feel.
    Neghar Fanooni and Molly Gailbraith have some good blog posts about these ideas if you want to check them out.

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