This morning I weighed in at 83.4 kg.
That’s a really big freakin’ deal. I signed up to compete in a meet at 72kg, which has historically been my weight class. And yet… I’ve spent my first month of PNLE just hoping to get down into the 84kg weight class.
Well, now I’m under 84kg and I’m exactly 2 months out from my meet.
I am giving myself permission not to aim for 72kg. Actually, that’s not so much permission as an order.
There is a very loud voice that is currently occupying my head and it’s screaming “You can do it. Losing 12kg in two months is far from impossible. Just lose 10kg and then waterload the rest of the way! You’re going to show up weighing 65kg and feel totally bummed out about competing in a fat girl class. You’re going to feel really disappointed in yourself when your wilks is lower than your last meet because you gained weight. Just skip breakfast. And lunch. And carbs. And basically every food you enjoy and you’ll get there.”
Dear voice: you are being totally unreasonable. Please shut up.
I keep forcing my rational voice to pipe up:
I could cut to 72kg in 2 months, but I’d probably be embarrassingly weak by the time I got there. I probably will not hit a 315lb squat if I step on to the platform weighing 72kg, and that squat is my only real goal for the meet apart from qualifying for provincials.
I could waterload before the meet, but I’ve got to take the Greyhound to the meet on Friday. Do I really want to be waterloading when I’m trapped on a bus for several hours? That is a pretty firm “no” in my mind. That sounds even worse than waterloading during final exams, and I’ve done that.
Plus, I paid a ton of money to PNLE so that I could stop repeating all of these futile exercises in dieting! I could take ephedrine or I could starve myself or I could go super low carb… but that just seems like a whole lot of wasted energy. To be honest, I just feel tired every time I think about trying to make weight. If I really wanted to participate in competitive dieting, I’d do bikini competitions. And I don’t see that happening any time soon.
Besides – what am I going to do if I hit the platform at 72kg? I’ve been there before and I know exactly how it goes: starve myself down to competition weight, knock out some modest PRs on the platform and then spend several weeks binging on burgers and ice cream and generally feeling very unwell and hitting awful numbers in the gym. Can’t say I’m terribly interested in falling down that hole again.
So this is a letter to myself, specifically the version of myself that will have to compete on October 18
You are probably not going to make weight. It’s ok. You can compete in 84kg and you might weigh 81kg and you might weight 75kg. You might even way 72.1kg, but whatever you weigh, you’ll do just fine.
Remember where you were six months ago? You’ve lost a ton of weight since then. You actually leave your house. You aren’t binge eating weekly. You’re cooking and eating vegetables regularly. Six months spent ignoring your life isn’t undone overnight, but you’ve already made great progress.
You’ll have an awesome meet, because you’ve been doing so many awesome things to prepare. You’ve been going to the gym regularly for months now! You’ve been following actual programming WITH ACCESSORY WORK! You’ve been making good food choice >90% of the time. You’ve been eating slowly and you stop eating when you’re no longer hungry. You don’t buy lunch twice a week because you actually plan what you’re going to eat and do some meal prep.
Most importantly: You will keep doing all of those things once this meet is over. And if you keep doing all of those things, you will eventually get your weight below 72kg. Best of all, you won’t have a massive rebound like you’ve had in the past, because you didn’t have to starve yourself to get there. You deserve to cut yourself some slack, by giving yourself the time and the credit to get where you want to be.
So here’s what you need to focus on: Squat 315lbs. Maybe squat more if you’re feeling ambitious. Don’t bomb out. Don’t accidentally poop in your singlet while deadlifting. Get a total of 352.5kg and qualify for provincials. Maybe in six weeks you’ll be ready to compete at 72kg. Maybe you won’t be. It really doesn’t matter to anyone but you, and as long as you keep lifting, recovering and eating well, you’ll be a rockstar today and in the future.