I am officially one week out from my first meet in nearly two years. I can’t believe that at this time next week, it’ll be done.
I really hope that I am done, I feel some sort of relief. Because right now, I just feel like doing a meet is this constant pressure bearing down on me.
This week has been a bit insane. It’s like my body just fast-tracked right to PMS-land this week. I have been bloated and constipated and ravenous. I did that thing I do when I’m depressed, where I just randomly start weeping at my desk for no reason. I’ve found myself wide awake at 4 am on more than one occasion this week. And my weight loss has been flat out stalled for the past three weeks.
Thankfully, it’s a long weekend in Canadia. We are celebrating the arrival of Christopher Columbus in America. Actually, I’m not. I don’t have any family that live in town, so I will be foregoing the traditional turkey dinner. I did buy myself a homemade turkey dinner from the gourmet caterer down the street. It’s supposedly turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and veggies with cranberry and gravy for two, but I’m quite certain it would feed a family of four despite any claims made on the label. Anyway, I am saving that in my freezer until next week when my meet is done and I don’t need to worry about my weight.
This morning I weighed 76.7 kg so there is absolutely no chance I am going to weigh-in under 72kg. I can’t be bothered to waterload at this point. So right now my plan is to get a Class II total at 84kg on Saturday. Then I can continue trying to make weight for provincials at the end of November, but if I don’t make it, it’ll be fine.
Seriously, I am really annoyed with my body. I feel like I am making such good food choices and not overreating. I did have my first binge eating episode in months last weekend, but it was a cake made out of squash and coconut flour and blueberries. Which is basically 1 million pounds of fiber and the health binge eating I’ve ever done. How did this happen? I tried to “experiment” with a lower carb day on my rest day. Then I baked a spiced squash loaf. It was fucking incredible after 24 hours of low carb. I love carbs.
So apart from the squash loaf incident, I am eating well rounded meals – protein and veggies and a cupped handful of “smart carbs”. I have eaten so much spinach this week! I keep telling myself that if I eat like this for another 9 months, it would be physically impossible to stay fat – but I feel like my body is determined to prove me wrong on that count. Actually, I reached out to my coach this week because I felt frustrated. She told me I was not allowed to be annoyed because I’ve lost ~26lb since the start of the program. Then she asked me “On a scale of 1-10, how much do you believe that you can and will make the changes you desire?”
I’ve been thinking long and hard about this.
Belief that I can diet my way down to a weight that I consider “not fat”: 6/10
Belief that I can achieve that weight and feel comfortable in my own skin, more sociable and confident: 4/10
Belief that I can achieve that weight and maintain it for longer than 2 weeks: 2/10
I actually haven’t responded to my coach because those answers are depressing and I don’t really know how to deal with fixing my personality. Like, my brain just kind of shuts down when I try to think past of those things. At this point, even if I am not dropping weight, trying to eat healthy and hit the gym regularly seems way more manageable.
So, hitting the gym and eating healthy seems like a good way to spend my long weekend. I finished up my actual training for the meet. Yesterday I squatted up to 305 for two singles. The second rep felt really solid and I am leaning towards trying 313 for my third attempt. Today I did my last heavy bench and deadlift sets. I managed to pull 335×4 which was a huge and pleasant surprise. I had failed to pull 335×3 at least twice before, so this was a great way to end off my training and I am going to crush 380. I will go in tomorrow and work up to my openers on squat and bench, and then do a few reps of squat and bench at 50% on Wednesday, just so that I don’t forget how to lift.
I also tried on my singlet this morning. The singlet I own was bordering on being too small two years ago when I weighed 10lbs less. Despite the fact that I am in denial, it did not fit. It gave me great cleavage! But it was painfully tight in the butt and thighs and shoulders. So… Monday is a holiday and I travel on Friday. I ordered a new singlet via express shipping and then I sent out a Facebook SOS. Thank god for my powerlifting friends of similar shape and size who helped me come up with a back up plan so that I do not need to lift in my birthday suit.
After lifting and sorting out my singlet situation, I tackled some meal prep today. I am primarily grateful for Thanksgiving weekend because it means that I have three days to batch cook and freeze some meals. This afternoon I made a hippie stew of lentils, quinoa and kale, and a harissa carrot soup. Tomorrow I am planning on making zucchini oatmeal and a cottage pie. I also need to figure out what I’m packing as PNLE-friendly meels for my meet next weekend.
Holy crap. I still can’t believe I’ll be doing a meet next week.