It’s funny: when everything is well ordered and progressing well in my life, I have no problem putting down all of my thoughts. But when I really need to blog, it’s because my life is in disorder and all of my thoughts are a jumbled mess that I have trouble committing to any sort of written word. And that’s where I’m at this week.
Today I had a meal that consisted solely of a cookie dough quest bar and a giant hunk of dark chocolate. On the continuum of healthy food, I would say that falls somewhere outside of the “responsible adult” category. Since I am trying to be gentle on myself, I’ve somehow rationalized that this was “not the worst indulgence”. I really enjoyed that quest bar, especially. There is a part of me that is sick of eating pumpkin and lentils and kale and protein powder out of Tupperware everyday. I just want to eat ice cream sandwiches until I feel kind of sick. And I can’t really justify that thought process. Except to say that I haven’t eaten any junk food lately, and I feel like I will never be able to eat junk food again and I just want to be fucking normal. Like, if I go out for beers with a friend, I want to be able to order a beer and enjoy it, instead of feeling like I need to skip the beer and order fucking Perrier all night, because I’m barely making progress towards my weight loss goals despite eating protein and veg for every goddamn meal. Except when I eat a protein bar and a piece of dark chocolate and call it a meal.
You know else I miss? Cheese. I gave up dairy three weeks ago and I have very little to show for it. I had the most amazing visits to the washroom in the morning for the first two weeks, but the plumbing stopped working at the very suggestion of PMS and now I am so full of shit that my abdomen is tender and distended. Conclusion: I am going back to eating dairy.
On a slightly more positive note: despite feeling shitty (hehehe), I finally finally finally managed to lock out a 380lb deadlift this morning, a lift which has been almost two years in the making. I have failed that lift so many times that I honestly felt like I would never get past it. it’s like my body became so good at missing 380lbs that it didn’t know how to succeed, and I felt very relieved to break through that mental barrier. And persevering through a mental barrier was especially important this week, because I am conscious of the fact that my head is just not in a good place in general.
Yesterday was a rough day. On my way to the gym at 6 am, I found out that the husband of one of my best friends had died suddenly in a house fire. This is a friend of mine from work, who has been having a hard go of things since turning 30 earlier this year. And for the past two days, my thoughts can’t seem to get away from her and her three kids. She is someone who is always so supportive and helpful, and I just wish I knew how to help her or bring some happiness into her life. Instead, I can’t even begin to imagine how hopeless and lost she is feeling. All I know is that I physically ache for her, and I keep having random crying fits when I think about how she must be feeling. I went to yoga last night after work, which I don’t normally do on Friday nights, but I just needed to do something to ground and support myself, and that pissed me off. Because this isn’t about me at all.
Even without a funeral on the horizon, I have been having really negative thoughts in general. I upped my carb intake because I knew that my serotonin was about to plummet, but it didn’t seem to help. I really just want to give up on Precision Nutrition right now. I am having a very hard time relating to my team, and I am struggling to see progress. Even when I do feel like I’ve lost some weight, I still feel like I have so far to go that my goals feels overwhelming and unobtainable. Like, I lost a lot of weight initially, but now the weight doesn’t seem to be coming off quite as fast and I still feel so fat. And it’s not just in my head: a coworker asked me if I was pregnant this week.
And more generally, I just want to withdraw from my life and hibernate.I am not finding the fulfillment I need in my diet, in my physique, in my job, at yoga or in any of my other hobbies and I feel about lost about where to even begin looking for satisfaction. I think I’m sick. A rational part of my brain can see that I have no real problems. My life is not difficult, but it feels difficult to me. I’m like a character in a Don Delilo novel. Except that this is my life.